here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
