When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
