You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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