So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
