I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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