He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
