i jhust puked up my retainher.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
