Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
