I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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