So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
