she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
