I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
