Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
