so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
