So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
