A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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