do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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