Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
