I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
worst night to have a conscience
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
