google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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