Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
