I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just cut my nipple shaving
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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