They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
