Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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