Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
