Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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