she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
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how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize