mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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