I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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