Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The adults are the big ones right?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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