I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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