I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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