Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
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Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
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I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.