Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Vodka?
Forever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
