I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
