i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Your topless pictures make me question reality
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I am one with the molecules
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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