I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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