i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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