he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
