dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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