Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
