Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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