i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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