note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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