Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
