Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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