I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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