I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
