She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
