Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
