Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
