The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
