Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
