i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
