This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
