Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
