dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can I color on your dick again?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
