New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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