Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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