I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I intend to get homeless drunk
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
