You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
