I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
