Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
