dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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