The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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